THE LAST TURKEY

Some of you know I'm off to North America in October: arriving to Miami, I'll be driving up Alligator Alley to Sarasota for a week before flying down to Cancun for 5 days in Mexico. I've been looking for things to see and do on my mini-road trip across Florida and have stumbled upon Roadside America. I will definitely be making a diversion to take in the Burt Reynolds Museum in Jupiter.

From Bloomberg:

If you were wondering why Britain's banks' market capitalisations are about 2% of their assets (when the rest of the world is about 10%), a trip to the Office of National Statistics website quickly makes the point. Of the UK's 61m population, 37m are of working age. Of that 37m, only 30m are actually working (there are more people on incapacity benefit than the dole). Of the 30m working, 6m work for the public sector. Of the 24m people working in the private sector, 16m are spread between financial services, construction, hotels & restaurants. That leaves 8m. It makes you wonder why Britain has the highest average property prices in the developed world: £175k vs. the USA and Western Europe at c. £150k. The UK's average house price to average earnings ratio doubled in the last decade to 6x leaving a GDP of £360bn supporting a housing stock of £4tn.

Government debt to GDP is more worrying. It's 40% (50% including PFI/Northern Rock/Railtrack) with an annual deficit that's been running at 3% for the last four years - and they were the boom years. A mild recession could take that to double digits. With the most unpopular government in the history of unpopular governments, chances are we get a desperate policy response going into the Autumn Parliament.

Biff's Question song

This is beautiful...

I don't really know what to say about this advert. Words fail me. It is a bit sick or just a bit of fun? What do you think?

I decided to go for a Nokia E71 last week. After looking at the alternatives, I thought this was the one for me. I found a good deal on T-Mobile, who I rated when I was with them two years back. My next job was to get the PAC code from O2 so I could transfer my number. As I bought my current phone through Carphone Warehouse and they manage O2 connections, I had to call them to get the PAC code. But they wouldn't give it to me! I had to use the reference number to write to them and request the code. PATHETIC. A desperate attempt to eek out some final cash.

I Googled "Carphone Warehouse O2" and unearthed pages and pages of complaints, including letters requesting PAC codes "lost" in the post. You should be able to get your PAC code over the phone. How can Carphone Warehouse justify this long winded way of terminating your contract?

My suggestion: NEVER BUY A MOBILE PHONE (ESPECIALLY ONE ON O2) FROM CARPHONE WAREHOUSE.

If this song doesn't put a smile of your face, nothing will. Only good'ol Rolf could pull this off. Now wet your whistle and sing...

I never really thought Mock the Week was that great - a sort of poor man's Have I Got News for You meets a tired version of Whose Line is it Anyway. But the current season is getting more than just a few chuckles out of me. However, it would be nothing without the brilliant Frankie Boyle.

A couple of weeks ago he had me almost on the floor with his response to "Things you are not likely to hear on Songs of Praise" - cue Frankie Boyle: "Good evening Canterbury! Make some f*ckin' noise!!"

Here is a compilation of Mr Boyle from appearances on various tv shows:

Forget Olympians and over paid footballers, forget the politicians and great leaders. Forget the tv personalities and over exposed celebrities. In fact, not even the nurses and doctors quite measure up. The greatest of heroes are the individual men who fought for Great Britain and the allies - they are head and shoulders above anything this country has produced since. True heroes.

Unfortunately, we only hear a handful of great stories; yet every hour between 6th June 1944 and the 7th May 1945 hundreds of men did heroic acts, most of which we will never even know about. Some stories do survive though and they act as a reminder of just how few of us can ever hope to measure up to these great mens' courage and heroics. One such example, in the wake of the Germans control of the Atlantic threatening to starve Britain of supplies and food, is the St.Nazaire raid in 1942...

"The St. Nazaire Raid (also called Operation Chariot) was a successful British seaborne attack on the heavily defended docks of St. Nazaire in occupied France on the night of March 28, 1942 during World War II. The operation was undertaken by Royal Navy and Army Commando units under the auspices of Louis Mountbatten's Combined Operations.

The obsolete destroyer HMS Campbeltown commanded by Stephen Halden Beattie and accompanied by 18 shallow draft boats, rammed the St. Nazaire lock gates and was blown up, ending use of the dock. Commandos landed on the docks and destroyed other dock structures before attempting to fight their way out. All but 27 of the commandos were either killed or captured: 22 escaped back to Britain in the motor torpedo boats and 5 escaped to the Spanish border.

The loss of St. Nazaire as a dry dock would force any large German warship in need of repairs to have to return to home waters.

Five Victoria crosses were awarded to men involved in the raid, which has been called The Greatest Raid of All." (wikipedia)

Of course, that does not begin to tell you just how amazing this raid was. To put in perspective what they were up against, the Commandos sailed an old decommissioned boat, roughly painted to look German and with little defenses, up a narrow channel straight in to the German control docks. This is what they had to contend with:

Both sides of the estuary approach were fortified and were manned by 280 Naval Artillery Battalion (commanded by Edo Dieckmann) and 22 Naval Flak Battalion (commanded by C. C. Mecke). Fortified guns on the northern shore included four 150 mm howitzers, four 170 mm guns and four 75 mm guns at Chémoulin, south-west of St. Nazaire and four 88 mm guns and ten 20 mm or 40 mm guns at Villès Martin closer to St. Nazaire. Further away at La Baule were four 105 mm guns and two 240 mm railway guns. Across the estuary from St Nazaire were four 75 mm guns at St Gildas, another four at Le Pointeau and ten or so 20 mm guns at Mindin. In the harbour area were around 30 single 20 mm guns, two quad 20 mm guns, around fifteen 40 mm guns and a flakship, the Sperrbrecher 137 just off the new port. Heavy anti-aircraft defences were also in the town. Radar stations were operating at Le Croisic and at St Marc and all the German positions had searchlights. Around 1,000 troops manned these defences and there were a further 5,000 or so military personnel in the town. Excluding submarines the naval power in the town was limited to ten minesweepers, four small Hafenschutzboote and four torpedo boats.

This really was Mission Impossible combined with Operation Certain Death. It is little wonder that of the 611 men that went, only 27 survived.

If you have a spare hour, then I strongly recommend you watch the BBC documentary about the raid. One of the best hours of television you are likely to watch.



(When part one has ended, the remaining parts can be found on Youtube)

Lottery officials suspected fraud when an unprecedented 110 people won the second prize in the New York Powerball lottery.

Depending on the bet, each winner raked in between $100,000 and $500,000 -- costing the lottery association nearly $19 million it had not counted on paying out. It made for an expensive night for Powerball, with winners beating the odds in a game with a 1 in 3 million winning combination.

However, the reason for there being so many winenrs was far less sinister, though all the more amazing.

It became apparent that the winners all had one things in common - they had eaten a fortune cookie and used the numbers inside on their lottery tickets!

The culprit and maker of the guilty cookies was the Wonton Food company in Queens, NY, that produce 4 millions cookies a day and often repeat the fortune message and numbers in various cookies.

The winners chose the numbers 22, 28, 32, 33, 39, 40. Had they chosen 42 instead of 40 they would have won the jackpot... and actually won less money as the jackpot is a shared sum.

(Washington Post)

While on the subject of fortune cookies - they were actually invented in California, not China. In fact, the Chinese have no idea what they are, as this video shows:

Click on the title for the views of John Kettley. It's all due to the Jetstream apparently.

Michael Winslow is an American actor and comedian known as the "Man of 10,000 Sound Effects" for his ability to make realistic sound effects using only his voice. Also is self-proclaimed, according to his myspace page, as "Michael Winslow...The Original Voicestrumentalist". He is best known for his role as Sgt. Larvell "Motor Mouth" Jones in the Police Academy series of movies and TV shows.

Winslow uses his motivational speaking skills at business meetings for major investment banks such as Goldman Sachs.

I know what's on my birthday list. Click here.

The Second Annual Chilli Eating Competition will be taking place on Friday 7th November. Email James E for more details.

Dustin Neil Diamond is an American actor, musician, and stand-up comedian best known for his role as Samuel "Screech" Powers on the television show Saved by the Bell.

On November 13, 2006, Diamond's sex tape "Screeched", aka "Saved by the Smell", was released by Red Light District. It features a bride-to-be Summer Price, her bridesmaid, Diamond, and a friend of his all engaging in various sexual acts, including a 'Dirty Sanchez'. According to Diamond, the sex tape got out because he and some friends allegedly have a "monthly gathering" wherein they allegedly exchange such tapes which earn points based on "what we're able to accomplish" on film. "We do it almost like poker".

I'm currenty reading a fascinating book by Hiroo Onoda. He's the Japanese army officer who refused to believe the Second World War was over... until 1974. He remained hiding on an island off the Phillipines practicing guerilla warfare against the islanders until he received direct instructions from his commanding officer to give up.

The Japanese government sent search parties again and again to the island to persude Onoda to give up. They dropped leaflets, left newspapers, even sent his brother, but he refused to believe it wasn't a ploy by the Americans to capture him. It makes me think: how could you guarantee that what someone told you was genuine?

The table is shaping up quite nicely, I think you'll agree.

This has to be the best reaction to the many, many reactions to the horror that is 2 Girls and 1 Cup.

If you are thinking "what is that?", then I suggest you keep that thought to yourself and never, ever pursue an answer. Ignorance is a far safer place to be.

Below is the picturesque village of Dalsfjord in Western Norway.

In the foreground you will notice that there is a rather large collection of sirens. In fact, this structure is actually known as a Telemegaphone Dale. It is a 23-foot-tall wind-powered loudspeaker sculpture that picks up incoming calls and projects them into the nearby surroundings.


All you have to do is call +4790369389 to have your voice blasted into the luscious lands of Norway. Open for business August 02 - September 06, 2008!

“When you dial the Telemegaphone’s phone number the sound of your voice is projected out across the fjord, the valley and the village of Dale below. No answer? Telemegaphone Dale is wind powered and self-reliant. Recently however, the weather has been exceptionally calm in Dale and there has been a massive amount of people calling.”

Obviously, I can not verify this, but it seems legit to me...

The Sun, as always, championing the rights of the minorities has run with a fantastic story from New Zealand. I particularly enjoy their use of capitals in order to fully emphasise the importance of the vocabulary.

"PORN stars have been told they can parade through New Zealand’s biggest city Auckland TOPLESS"

read on

More fun here.

I went to see Avenue Q last night - what a laugh. Think of Team America: World Police but funnier and with puppets rather than marionettes. It's such a rip-off of Sesame St. I'm surprised the musical hasn't been run out of town by the Jim Henson Company. Some of the songs, such as "Everyone's A Little Bit Racist" and "Internet Is For Porn" are so well observed, and the actors exceptionally talented: even though they're standing right next to the puppets, you don't even notice them. Avenue Q is highly recommended (especially if you do the same as me and get half price tickets off Lastminute.com).

It's the last few seconds that convince me that salvia is not to be taken.

Channel 4 has a series of interesting Olympics medal tables including one based on population (no. medals per head of population) and one weighted on human rights (no. medals divided by score from the US based Freedom House Organisation.

The medal table based on population reflects achievements better, I believe. As of 15th August, the standings:

1. Australia
2. Mongolia
3. Georgia
4. Armenia
5. Slovenia
6. Azerbaijan
7. Cuba
8. Slovakia
9. Hungary
10. Switzerland

At least Georgia has something to be happy about.

Did you know The Beatles don't own the publishing rights to their own songs?

Northern Songs Ltd. was founded in 1963 by music publisher Dick James, Brian Epstein, and The Beatles to publish songs written by John Lennon and Paul McCartney.

After Brian Epstein died, Lennon and McCartney sought to renegotiate their publishing deal with Dick James. In 1968 they invited James for a meeting at Apple Records. They tried to film the meeting with James, and were rather brusque with him. Already-cool relations between James and the Beatles became even cooler. Early in 1969, James and Silver abruptly sold their shares in Northern Songs to Britain's Associated TeleVision (ATV), giving the Beatles no notice, or the chance to buy them out. ATV was also able to buy enough public shares to threaten a majority holding in Northern Songs.

ATV held its controlling interest in Northern Songs until 1985, when ATV Music went up for sale. Outbidding McCartney (who'd tried unsuccessfully to persuade Yoko Ono to join him) was singer Michael Jackson, who won the bidding for a reported $47 million. When asked how he felt about having Jackson as his "boss", as controller of the song catalogue, McCartney replied, "I think he needs to give me a raise."

In 1995, Jackson merged his catalogue with Sony Music's publishing, for a reported $95 million, establishing Sony/ATV Music Publishing, retained half-ownership.

Thank God! Should you find yourself in Costa Rica in 2010 you should be able to get your hands on a weekly trip to space. I particularly like the last paragraph to the newspiece from InsideCostaRica.com a beacon of information for the expat community in San Jose and thereabouts.

"Although prices for the flight have not been announced, Rudy Jiménez, vice-president of Terra Nova, suggests that reservations should be made early. Terra Nova will be accepting deposits (amount not set) that will guarantee seats on the first outer space flights."

Perhaps you could combine a trip to the Poas Volcano, Manuel Antonio National Park, surf near the Osa Peninsula and then take a break from it all with the spirits in the sky in Virgin's WhiteNightTwo.

The Second Annual Chilli Eating Competition. Saturday 11th October 2008 TBD. Email James E for more information.

Last night in Hong Kong, the police received a disturbing call from a man in trouble.

Xing, a 41 year-old man, was calling from LanTian park in the middle of the night. The lonely and disturbed man had apparently thought it would be fun to have sex with one of the steel sit-up benches around the park.

The bench has numerous small holes in it, which Xing used to attempt to satisfy himself. However, once he became aroused he found that he was stuck and could not get his penis out of the small hole.

He panicked and called the police to help him.

When doctors arrived on the scene they tried to release some of the pressure by removing some of his blood, but the penis was so swollen that they ended up having to cut the entire bench free and take it, with Xian attached, to the hospital.

Doctors stated that if he had been stuck for even an hour longer, they would have had to remove his penis.

Why you should invest in more than an Internet-based translator.

We've just past 100 high quality hernia-inducing posts. Well done everyone!

What many may not know is that stimulating yourself can ultimately boost your health in many ways.

Health Benefits for Men

Research summarized in a 2007 article in Sexual and Relationship Therapy found that masturbation may help men by:

— Improving his immune system’s functioning.

— Building his resistance to prostate gland infection.

— Making for a healthier prostate.

Australian researchers have reported that frequent masturbation may lower a man’s risk of developing prostate cancer. A survey of men found the more frequently a man masturbates between the ages of 20 and 50, the less likely they are to get prostate cancer. In fact, those who masturbated more than five times a week were one-third less likely to develop prostate cancer.

Health Benefits for Females

When it comes to a woman’s health, self-pleasuring serves her well by:

— Building her resistance to yeast infections.

— Combating pre-menstrual tension and other physical conditions associated with their menstrual cycles, like cramps.

— Relieving painful menstruation by increasing blood flow to the pelvic region. This will also reduce pelvic cramping and related backaches.

— Relieving chronic back pain and increasing her threshold for pain.

Health Benefits for Both Sexes

Masturbation rewards both men and women because it’s:

— The safest kind of sex, keeping you free of sexually transmitted infections.

— A great form of stress relief.

— A mood booster in releasing endorphins.

— A natural sleep sedative.

— A mechanism for building stronger pelvic floor muscles, which can lead to better sex.

— A natural energetic pick-me-up.

I'm disappointed the Mayor of London has decided not to pedestrianise one side of Parliament Square, opening it up to more people than Brian Haw. Trafalgar Square has been completely transformed since the north side was closed to traffic in 2003. It's a shame the same couldn't be done to Parliament Square to allow everyone to admire some of the impressive statues within it.

The Mayor of London has taken on my suggestion of designing and rolling out a Routemaster replacement, reintroducing the fabulous rear open platform. I've only been on a bendy bus once and was shocked at the amount of fare evasion going on. I have also nearly joined the Heather Mills band of monopods as a bendy bus rounded a corner and mounted the pavement just outside London Bridge Station. We need a replacement for the iconic Routemaster which, along with black cabs, St. Paul's Cathedral, the Palace of Westminster, and (more recently) the London Eye have become icons of London. I might even enter the design competition myself.

So for the fourth day in a row a story about Madeleine McCann is on the front page of the Sun. I have asked friend who works on the paper what the motivation here is. Do the journalists really think they are on to something or is it more cynical than that - a simple calculation, perhaps, that putting this unfortunate child on the front page sells more papers. I haven't bought the Sun for years but I have to admit that I'll happily take a good look at the front page at the newsagent's when there's a Madeleine story. The problem is that it must be motivated by cynicism: you only have to read the story (click on the title) to see how thin the whole piece actually is. The headline of 'I sold a choc ice to Madeleine' should really read 'I sold a choc ice to a girl with blonde hair who might have been British and looked pretty unhappy. Oh and she had a weird eye. I think. I hadn't noticed/remembered this until you helpfully suggested that I might have seen that.'

It's stories like this and the fact that the Evening Standard's splash (followed days later by a grovelling apology for making the story up) last week about the Duke of Edinburgh having prostate cancer that make me despair about the press. They spend so much time talking about and believing in their role as a fighters for truth and justice, as exemplified by some very brave reporting from Georgia, only to remind us in the same breath, through trashy and untrue stories, that the only right that newspapers have is to sell newspapers.

View Larger Map
Zoom it to see what's happening. Nice. There are other sights to see here.

I am not sure Sky News have quite grasped the latest catastrophe in Georgia. Click the link and check out their background section on Georgia...


http://indepth.news.sky.com/InDepth/topic/Georgia#gall

I am assuming this will be spotted at some point by the goons at Sky, so those who joined the party late, here is a print screen shot:

(click to enlarge)

I knew relations between the US and Russia were frosty, but this is rather alarming!

EDIT

Ha ha!! It seems Sky are not the only ones. Dear God.

And there are others...

There is a whole series of these on YouTube - well worth a watch, though this is my favourite...

The Daily Telegraph reports:

'A Russian advertising executive who sued her boss for sexual harassment lost her case after a judge ruled that employers were obliged to make passes at female staff to ensure the survival of the human race.

The unnamed executive, a 22-year-old from St Petersburg, had been hoping to become only the third woman in Russia's history to bring a successful sexual harassment action against a male employer.

She alleged she had been locked out of her office after she refused to have intimate relations with her 47-year-old boss.

The judge said he threw out the case not through lack of evidence but because the employer had acted gallantly rather than criminally."

"If we had no sexual harassment we would have no children," the judge ruled.'

EDIT: This story gets more disgraceful:

'According to a recent survey, 100 per cent of female professionals said they had been subjected to sexual harassment by their bosses, 32 per cent said they had had intercourse with them at least once and another seven per cent claimed to have been raped.'

Yet only two women have won sexual harassment cases since the collapse of the Soviet Union?!!

What the hell is going on with Russia? It seems that the collapse of the USSR has changed little in the longer term, particularly since Yeltsin stepped down. And given current events, while Georgia may not be the model state, things under Putin have taken a very sinister turn indeed.

I was watching the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympics earlier and was surprised to see the above flag used by Taiwan... or should I say Chinese Taipei.

Chinese Taipei is the designated name used by the Republic of China (ROC), commonly known as Taiwan, to participate in most international organizations, due to the persistent diplomatic pressure from the People's Republic of China (PRC), which does not recognize the Republic of China (ROC) as a sovereign nation.

In November 1979, the International Olympic Committee and later all the international sports federations adopted a resolution which recognized the National Olympic Committee of Taiwan as the National Olympic Committee of Chinese Taipei and every sports team or athlete from Taiwan would compete as Chinese Taipei. Under this resolution, Chinese Taipei adopted the Chinese Taipei Olympic Flag, which consists of the emblem of the National Chinese Taipei Olympic Committee on a white background, and since the 1984 Summer Olympics has participated always with this name and under this flag at the Olympics, Paralympics, and other international events.

I'm trying to remember the rules to playing marbles. Can anyone help out? These are the rules closest I can find which resembles how I used to play?

Marbles involves rolling or throwing your marble to either try and hit a target marble or to hit the other players’ marbles.

Decide if you are playing for “keepsies” (players keep the marbles they win in the game) or “playing fair” (everyone gets their own marbles back at the end of the game).

Draw a circle on the ground. Each player should put an agreed number of marbles in it and stand behind a line drawn some distance away. The aim is to hit the marbles out of the circle.

Take turns to roll, throw or flick a marble (called a shooter) into the circle, trying to hit the marbles out of it.

If you knock a marble out of the taw you get to keep it. If the shooter stays in the circle, it stays there and it is the next players turn. If it comes out you can fetch it and have another go.

Carry on having turns until all the marbles in the circle have been won. The person with the most marbles wins.

Princess Diana.

I've just been reminded of this classic tourist destination.

Click here for the full slideshow.

All the heads used to be on display at the House of Wax Museum in Great Yarmouth, Norfolk, which became the butt of worldwide jokes after pictures were posted on the web in 2004.

Sitting in the sun at Lords last Tuesday I was surrounded by slightly more check shirted chaps than normal but otherwise still gazed out on a familiar scene: the sporting bore peddling his bone advice to anyone within range of his halitosis, the competitive father living his frustrated sporting aspirations through his young and distracted son, the watery eyed duffers snoozing off after and into their heavy lunch. Excess check shirts apart, the sole distinguishing feature was the quality of the cricket. For the two teams battling it out in the middle in the 100th Army Navy cricket game were amateur...and there was certainly no mistaking it. The Navy (day job decommissioning warships), steadfastly relied upon one of my own most prolific scoring strokes, the edge through 3rd slip, struggled, initially, to score more runs than they have nuclear submarines and fielded with the all professionalism and fighting spirit of a boarding party kidnapped by the Iranians. Nevertheless despite some obvious shortcomings it was a compelling spectacle, notable for the spirit in which it was played. Spirit, that old fashioned concept often alien and anachronistic in the world of professional sport where players are merely assets on a balance sheet, entertainment workers, salaried, like executives, according to the revenues they draw in. When cash is at stake, bank loans to be serviced, jobs on the line then the rules of the boardroom and not the spirit of the game must prevail. Maybe it should be less of a surprise to us spectators when a man whose salary depends on his profile, depends on his first team place, refuses to walk until triggered by the umpire. Would we really expect any of titans of business or revered private equity gurus to relinquish their business interests in the face of an unwritten rule or informal understanding? Until there is a breach of contract that risks punitive legal damages then anything goes. Which is why is was so refreshing to witness this amateur spectacle at Lords. As the Navy edged their way to double, and, eventually, triple figures at the speed of a MOD procurement project, I was happy to compromise on quality and enjoy the novelty of a sporting contest played with gusto and pride in the amateur spirit . Marvel at the skill of professional sportsman, emulate his training schedule and envy his girlfriend but understand the nature of the beast and don’t necessarily expect him to lose gracefully or honourably.

Maidstone v Welling Utd. Saturday, 26 July 2008. Maidstone's goalie has just let in a soft goal and Maidstone's fans are anxious to bolster his fragile confidence:

I was a Somerset House to watch Dr. Strangelove last night. It's a film that attracts universal adulation ("Strangelove is among the greats; the funniest, most frightening take on mutually assured destruction ever seared onto celluloid.") Even the United States Library of Congress deemed the film "culturally significant" and selected it for preservation in the National Film Registry.

With all Kubrick films, you need to go away and think about them. Anyone who's seen 2001 A Space Odyssey will know Kubrick has an unbelievable imagination and likes to leave viewers with more questions than his films answer.

Dr. Strangelove is a good film: it portrays egotistical Generals salivating at the thought of destroying the pesky Russians. The phallic symbolism throughout reconfirms the Army's affair with the bomb. But I just don't think I'm clever enough to understand what Kubrick is doing. Peter Sellers is good in his three roles, though I don't appreciate his humour and find it hard to believe stories of cast members cracking up with laughter on set. His portrayal of Dr. Strangelove himself is particularly good.

I'm glad I've seen the film, but need to understand more about it. Somerset House is a great venue to turn into an outdoor cinema. I must go back, though I got into a woog when I was told to join the back of the 20 minute queue to have bags searched when I didn't have any bag to search! Total incompetence by the staff.

Everyone knows that we have 5 senses - hearing, taste, sight, smell and touch.

Wrong.

Humans also have at least these additional senses:

Pain
Balance and acceleration
Temperature differences
Kinesthetic (provides the brain with information on the relative positions of the parts of the body)


In addition to these we also have, though scientist debate these ones:

Respiratory rate
Blushing
Feeling "full"

and a few others...

Amazing. And true.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sense

I don't want to offend anyone but I find it REALLY irritating when people use silly abbreviations in their written word (a.k.a* sms language) like LOL, LUV, LMAO. It makes me really angry, and can actually lead me dislike someone. Wasn't this why predictive text was invented - to make it quicker to type full words??! If I had nothing better to do, it would become my mission in life to banish those guilty.

Here are a few that really raise my blood pressure:

gr8 instead of great
l8er instead of later
y instead of why
2 instead of to
wateva instaed of whatever
sez instead of says
ya instead of you
imo instead of in my opinion
fnx instead of thanks - particularly bad as it mixes chav talk and sms language

Any that annoy you?
.......................................

*a.k.a is allowed, as is FYI (when used in business email) and common abbreviations like etc, etc.

Clowns have the tendency to freak the SHIT out of people. I think my fear of clowns came from watching Killer Klowns from Outer Space around the age of 7. While my brothers found it hysterical, I found it really mentally disturbing. I added it to my lovefilm list about a year ago and I am yet to be sent it - for some reason (which I believe to be popular demand) they haven't got a copy for me. Therefore I've been having a mosy around youtube, just so I can re-live the terror I once felt. Although the film now seems very comical, the clowns are still fucking scary.

They say the news is just too depressing these days. Well, at least the local press is still a bastion of ridiculous stories that some mad editors from the regions still seem to think somehow newsworthy:

From Suffolk & Essex's EADT Online:

A WOMAN had to be helped by the fire service after she managed to get her finger stuck in a window frame. The unusual episode took place in Piper's Court, Old Foundry Road in Ipswich at 11.17pm yesterday. A crew from Princes Street was dispatched and managed to release the woman's finger within 15 minutes.

All's well that ends well then. Phew.

And then my all time favourite from the Waltham Forest Guardian:

PENSIONER Jean Farmer couldn't believe her eyes when she spotted a supermarket trolley rolling around her street, miles away from its home. Mrs Farmer, of Colchester Road, Leyton, was amazed to see the ASDA trolley because it was nowhere near the superstore in Leyton Mills, which is 30-minutes walk away. The trolley spent two weeks blocking the pavement and sliding into the road, scratching the parked cars, so she rescued it and put it in her front garden.

Ask an American who their country is named after and they will probably either look at you as if you have gone mad or the more educated ones will say Amergido Vespucci. However, as we all know, it was the British that invented the world and named everything in it and America is no different.

In fact, the whole Columbus story is hogwash too. Many people had been to the States long before one of history's biggest frauds.

America is derived from Richard Amerike, a Welsh merchant from Bristol, who is believed to have financed John Cabot's voyage of discovery from England to Newfoundland in 1497 as found in some documents from Westminster Abbey a few decades ago. Supposedly, Bristol fishermen had been visiting the coast of North America for at least a century before Columbus' voyage and Waldseemüller's maps are alleged to incorporate information from the early English journeys to North America.

It stands to reason too - you don't name a country or place after someone's first name (unless they are of British Royalty of course). And the reason for all this? For the emerging United States, Cabot made a poor national hero.

A song by Jamaican artiste Burning Spear about Christopher Columbus sums it up really - it is called 'A Damn Blasted Liar.'

And while we are on Columbus - he wasn't the first to claim the Earth is round. In fact, it was commonly accepted for many centuries that the Earth was not flat and it was only only the uneducated or super odd that believed it was.

This is quite a cool if not complete pointless little tool. It analyses your browser history and tells you your male to female ratio.

I am pleased to announce I am male. Mostly.

Likelihood of you being FEMALE is 6%
Likelihood of you being MALE is 94%

Mmmm. I suspect the results would have been more conclusive had I been using my personal computer at home rather than my work computer... ahem.

This is a very thought provoking and sometimes uncomfortable piece of journalism. With things being ratcheted up in the middle east once again, it is a timely reminder that there are no goodies and baddies in the world and that surely negotiations by posturing governments must not fail at the expense of the innocent masses.

On the other hand, while the Second World War was ended by a such a brutal act as the nuclear bombings, it all got out of control in the first place through cowardly appeasement.

Where do we draw the line with Iran? I am unsure, but I am certain we are not there yet.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/aug/06/secondworldwar.warcrimes

The Big Mac Index is an informal way of measuring the purchasing power parity (PPP) between two currencies and provides a test of the extent to which market exchange rates result in goods costing the same in different countries.

The Big Mac PPP exchange rate between two countries is obtained by dividing the price of a Big Mac in one country (in its currency) by the price of a Big Mac in another country (in its currency). This value is then compared with the actual exchange rate; if it is lower, then the first currency is under-valued (according to PPP theory) compared with the second, and conversely, if it is higher, then the first currency is over-valued.

For example, suppose the price of a Big Mac is $2.50 in the United States and £2.00 in the United Kingdom; thus, the PPP rate is £2.00/$2.50 = 0.80 pounds/dollar. If, in fact, £0.50 buys $1 (or £1 buys $2.00), then the dollar is under-valued by £0.30 (£0.80 - £0.50), or 38% (£0.30/£0.80) in comparison with the price of the Big Mac in both countries.

Five most expensive Big Macs
1. Iceland - USD 7.45
2. Norway - USD 6.63
3. Reunion Island - USD 6.23
4. Sweden - USD 5.33
5. Switzerland - USD 5.05

Five most affordable Big Macs
1. India - USD 1.40
2. China - USD 1.41
3. Hong Kong - USD 1.54
4. Malaysia - USD 1.57
5. Venezuela - USD 1.58

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Hamburger University is a 130,000 square foot training facility of McDonald's Corporation, located in a suburb of Chicago. The university was designed to instruct personnel employed by McDonald's in the various aspects of the business. Over 70,000 managers have graduated from the institution and it has 30 resident professors.

I'm in the market for a new phone and I'm not sure what to go for. It's got to be 3G and ideally have a keyboard for speedy texts and emails. The contenders are the Nokia E71, Blackberry Bold and the iPhone. All three are heavyweights. Anyone got any advice or experience?

Last night I went on the Jack the Ripper walking tour around Whitechapel - for those who have never done it, I strongly recommend it. Not only is it an hour and a half of brilliant story telling and great facts about the east end, but it costs just £7 a head - a bargain when you think of how London loves to rip off it's tourists and its own alike.

There are various tours you can do, but I was very fortunate to have chosen one that was led by not only a very entertaining, amusing and massively engaging tour guide but he also knew his onions. Seriously. This guy knew anything and everything there was to know about the local area, Jack the Ripper and serial killers in general.

The tour starts outside Aldgate East station and takes you to various spots where Jack the Ripper viciously murdered several prostitutes - and I had no idea just had viciously either. The tour guide had genuine photos taken from the time of the mutilated victims that will make you whince. He also had a collection of photos of the area showing you just what it looked like - and followed them up with engrossing tales that really gave you a feel of what it was like if you had the misfortune to live in the east end in Victorian times.

The tour ends up in the city at one of the murder spots and you are taken through the main suspects and also given a very compelling argument about who actually was Jack the Ripper - but I won't ruin it for you!

I highly recommend you go on the tour and that you chose this firm to take you - http://www.jack-the-ripper-walks.com

Also - go to Goulston Street before hand just round the corner to pick up some fish and chips for the walk, it's not only a very tasty chippy, but is also the last completely standing building left where we KNOW Jack the Ripper has stood.

Tonight: Spamalot

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I went up to Tooting Bec Lido this evening for a swim. Being overcast, I was hoping to be there solo, but with the London Triathlon this weekend, the pool was full of hunky men. I felt quite pathetic, especially as I was the only one without a wetsuit. I did 8 lengths, but in a 90m pool, that's the equivalent of 30 lengths... without as many push offs from each end! The water was cold and reasonably clean, though without goggles I couldn't check for effluent under the surface.

It's things like Tooting Bec Lido that make you appreciate what London has to offer. I must try some others.

Click on the title to see why we loved Michael Vaughan. The best England skipper in my lifetime; in 2005 England really was, for a brief second or two, the best side in the world. And much of it was down to him. Better judges than me can explain why he was an excellent cricket captain; as a fan what I liked most was his ability to answer good questions with good answers. Too many professional sportsmen trot out platitudes for fear of offending (NB Monty Panesar) but not Vaughan who always had something interesting to say.

However, while I hope he comes back as a player my feeling is we have seen the last of Michael Vaughan.

And for what it's worth, my Oval XI would be:

1. Cook
2. Key (capt)
3. Shah
4. Pietersen
5. Sales
6. Prior
7. Flintoff
8. Swann
9. Harmison
10. Anderson
11. Jones S.

A bit left-field? Well it must just shake-up that all too cosy club called Team England (I should add that Sidebottom would play ahead of Jones but the former is clearly not fit).

Except for Cosmo Landesman in the Sunday Times, The Dark Knight has had universally positive reviews. I’ve wanted to find out whether it lives up to the hype since I saw the trailer two months ago: does Heath Ledger give the performance of his life? Is this the first superhero film fit for the 21st century? Does the batsuit have nipples? Using free vouchers (thanks Nick) I went along to the Cineworld Chavside (aka Southside, Wandsworth) last night.

The film delivers, and then some. It’s much darker and more serious than previous films, including Tim Burton’s warped vision in Batman and Batman Returns. The plot is thick and solid, on the right side of complex (this comes from a man who finds the plot of Commando confusing). The special effects are impressive, but not overwhelming.

Christian Bale does his usual superb job, giving a convincing performance as a superhero troubled by his role in society. It gives this genre of film a new dimension which I don't think has ever been covered as well before.

But, as everyone has said, it's Heath Ledger who steals the show. He is unbelievable. It's worth seeing the film just for his performance. It's scary. He's scary.

Except for some ridiculous sub-plot involving mobile phones, the film flows well. At two and a half hours long, it could have had some fat trimmed, though I worry anything left out could damage the film as a whole. It deserves to be number 1 on the iMDB list of all time great films. See it.

Consider a game show, in which the game show host asks you to pick a prize behind one of three doors.

After he asks you to pick, the game show host doesn't open the door you picked. Instead, he opens a different door...one which he already knows is empty. Now, having eliminated one of the choices, he asks you, "Do you want to keep your guess? Or change it?"

Typically, people will answer, "There's a 1 in 2 chance that I'll get it right, so it doesn't make any difference if I change my guess or not, the probability is 1/2 either way!"

And the typical answer is not correct. Surprisingly, your odds are better if you change your guess. Why? Because the odds that you guessed incorrectly in the first place are 2 in 3, or 2/3. The game show's action of opening a door does not change that probability. Which means the odds are better if you switch doors. In fact, 2 times out of 3, you'll be better off switching.

This is called the Monty Hall Problem.

This commercial was pulled by Mars following a complaint by a US-based human rights campaign group, despite the fact that the advert had never been shown outside the UK. The group alleged that the commercial promoted the idea that violence against gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people "is not only acceptable, but humourous".

In 1984, Mr. T made a motivational video called Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool!. He gives helpful advice to children throughout the video; for example, he teaches them how to understand and appreciate their origins, how to dress fashionably without buying designer labels, how to make tripping up look like breakdancing, how to control their anger, and how to deal with peer pressure. The video is roughly one hour long, but contains 30 minutes of singing, either by the group of children accompanying him, or by Mr. T himself. He sings "Treat Your Mother Right (Treat Her Right)", in which he enumerates the reasons why it is important to treat your mother right, and also raps a song about growing up in the ghetto and praising God. The raps in this video were written by Ice T. That same year he released a related rap album titled Mr. T's Commandments.

1. A scene-setting preposition, usually just one word will do. Classically, this has taken the form of “When”.

2. The first free-form part of The Song, this should further develop a sense of place, time, urgency, activity or any other useful stage on-which Diarrhea could plausibly occur. The only true requirement for this element is that it rhyme with element 4, below.

3. Insert the mandatory conjunction AND. There are very few hard rules in creation of The Diarrhea Song, the use of and in the middle is a tradition, and as such, an exception to the rule. Please use it.

4. The second free-form part of The Song, this is the punch line. It is here that it will be revealed how one knows that it is, in fact Diarrhea, and not something else. In other words, describe the result of the Diarrhea (i.e.. “You feel something burst”). Keep in mind that this should rhyme with element #2.

5. Add the famous ending that truly identifies your work as part of the long legacy of The Diarrhea Song: "Diarrhea, Diarrhea". If you are a traditionalist, you may prefer the more automata-poetic, "Diarrhea, Plop, Plop, Diarrhea". Both variations are correct, according to the linguistics department.

e.g.:

When you think your friends are joking
but your pants are brown and soaking:
Diarrhea, diarrhea.

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The Dome is the largest domed structure in the world. Externally it appears as a large white marquee with twelve 100 m-high yellow support towers, one for each month of the year, or each hour of the clock face, representing the role played by Greenwich Mean Time. In plan view it is circular, 365 m in diameter — one metre for each day of the year — with scalloped edges. Its exterior is reminiscent of the Dome of Discovery built for the Festival of Britain in 1951.

The entire roof structure weighs less than the air contained within the building. Although referred to as a dome it is not strictly one as it is not self-supporting, but is a mast-supported, dome-shaped cable network.

The canopy is made of PTFE coated glass fibre fabric, a durable and weather-resistant plastic, and is 50 m high in the middle. Its symmetry is interrupted by a hole through which a ventilation shaft from the Blackwall Tunnel rises.

Two people heading to the gym with quite different results...

Oh all right. Well somebody had to link (through the title) to this story in the Sun. And I guess it's me. I feel very sorry for this girl because her quality of life must be awful but the route to health and happiness is a pretty clear one. Don't eat so much.

If there has been a weaker criminal case than this, I'd love to hear about it. Look at the police interview and wonder why 8 years of Barry George's life and huge amounts of public money have been wasted trying to frame this complete numbskull for a crime he is so obviously entirely incapable of committing.

If any of my fellow blogging chums know how to put this video into the blog itself, I'd be grateful if they could do it for me. For the moment, you'll have to click on the title to get the video.

I am not sure if 'The Last Turkey' overlord allows us to make more serious comments about politcs but....what the heck is going on in the Labour Party? The title of this links you to David Miliband's seemingly innocuous article in the Guardian about where Labour should go from their current position. Boringly vacuous, it is apparently a declaration of war on Gordon Brown according to various political commentators.

As other pour over the hidden messages, I think there's another lesson to be taken from the sheer tedium of the article and the fact that it shows almost no original thinking whatsoever. The truth is that even in a crisis the lack of a political ideology behind New Labour shines through. Because we are all capitalists now Labour has nothing to fall back on; no certainties that it can be sure of; no intellectual tenets that they can always grasp at and Miliband's sorry excuse for an action plan is crucial evidence of that. The commentators may talk about whether or not Miliband will challenge Brown as leader but I think we are way past that. Miliband probably will be the next Labour leader and sooner rather than later but he is unlikely to be anymore popular than Gordon Brown while he is uncapable of having a personal ideology. A vague commitment to social justice, as Tony Blair discovered, isn't really enough.

But then is it really Miliband's fault that he stands for nothing - in a society where capitalism and democracy are accepted and now embeded as the status quo, what else is there to change?

PS Listen to Miliband on line if you can. If he's not doing an impression of Tony Blair, then it's bloody weird.

A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child 'hello Becky, what have you been doing this playtime?'

Becky replies ' I have been playing in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher 'if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit'

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says 'Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?'

Freddie replies 'playing with Becky in the sand box'

'Very good' says the teacher.

'If you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit'

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

'Very good' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says 'Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?'

'No' replies Mohammed, 'I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me and calling me nasty names'

'Oh dear' says the teacher. 'That sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me - I tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscuit'