An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather tentatively.
“I would like it infrequently” she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, “Is that one word or two?”
I couldn't post the video of a chimp raping a frog... too weird.
3D sound - very clever stuff. It only really works with a decent pair of headphones. If it is not working for you (you will know if it is) then watch it directly from Youtube.
This week I have been most wasting my time reading this blog.
It is a collection of overheard conversations that you can submit to the site. Here are a few of my favourites...
Student selling pink ribbon bracelets: Professor, would you like to buy some bracelets? They're for a good cause.
Professor: Sure, I'll take five. One for each appendage.
Young Spanish guy: So yeah, I met up with my ex Becky last night, we ended up having sex behind the pharmacy.
Young white guy: I asked you to come hang out yesterday but you said you had your grandpa's funeral!
Young Spanish guy: I did have the funeral, but that was in the morning.
Young white guy: So you had time to fuck Becky behind the pharmacy but no time to hang out with me? Besides, you said you were close to your grandpa. Shouldn't you have been mourning?
Young Spanish guy: So... does this mean I don't get a high five?
Young white guy: *grudgingly high fives*.
Guy #1: I am in love with her, do you know how I know that?
Guy #2: Because she reminds you of your mom?
Guy #1: Dude, gross! (pause) She does remind me of my sister a bit.
Guy: I wonder why they don't make "ribbed for her pleasure" Magnums.
Girl: Because if your shit's that big to need a Magnum, it's already her pleasure.
(strange loud sound comes from the plane)
Calm but confused flight attendant: That's weird, I've never heard that before.
Freaked out passenger: Um, excuse me? What?!
Guy: That motherfucking cop has driven past here twice in the last fifteen minutes.
Cop (on car's loudspeaker): I'm not a motherfucker.
Police helicopter hovering with spotlight on suspect, over loudspeaker: Stop running. You can't get away. Just give yourself up. Stop running... No, don't go in the water. You won't make it across. No, don't-- Yeah, it's fucking cold, isn't it, dumbass? Just get out of the water!
Indian professor with thick accent: Okay class. If I flip this coin 50 times, what is the probability that I get head?
Dude in the back: Man, I could flip a coin 100 times and I'm still not gettin' head.
(class bursts into hysterical laughter)
Indian professor: What? What did I say?
American chick #1: Ohmigod! Look at those white cows! I've never seen cows like that before!
American chick #2: Maybe they're albino... Or it could be a special British type of cow.
Guy sitting behind them: ... Those are sheep.
Black student, casually: Wait, let me get this straight: he was going to participate, but he was late, so he decided to hate, and that's what started this debate?
Teacher, baffled: Did you just rap that at me?
Jock #1: Dude, that bitch broke my heart.
Jock #2, eating a burrito: I know, man. You were always so unhappy, and I wanted to, like, slap you around and make you happy.
Jock #1, singing softly and staring blankly at the ground: I'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you...
Jock #2: Look, man, we boys, aight? But when you start singing cheesy-ass love songs to a chick that cheated on you, gave you an STD, and shit on top of your car because she's crazier than a fucking monkey on crack with a banana up its ass, something's wrong with you, and maybe we shouldn't hang out anymore.
Hungover guy: Man, I got so fucked up last night. The last thing I remember was walking into the bathroom. And then this morning I woke up to the sound of someone yelling "Who the fuck are you?" So, naturally, I responded with, "Well, who the fuck are you!?" and then I looked around and said, "Wait... yeah, I might be in the wrong place." And the guy goes, "Wait, no, I think I might be in the wrong place."
Victoria's Secret salesgirl to couple: Our bras are 15% off today.
Male: I prefer it when your bras are 100% off.
Victoria's Secret salesgirl: [With a blank look on her face.] That wouldn't make sense. Then they would be free.
Little boy looking at zebra with erection: Mommy, five legs?
Mom: Yes, honey, five legs.
Six-year-old boy, about new kitten: That pussycat is crazy! He eats anything and everything... I mean, he was eating carrots! We need to give him a name... How about 'Food Kitty'? Or 'Pussy Eater'?
Mom: Uhhh, no. Not that one.
On Monday, September 10, 1945, farmer Lloyd Olsen of Fruita, Colorado, had his mother-in-law around for supper and was sent out to the yard by his wife to bring back a chicken. Olsen failed to completely decapitate the five-and-a-half month old bird named Mike. The axe missed the jugular vein, leaving one ear and most of the brain stem intact.
On the first night after the decapitation Mike slept with his decapitated head under his wing.
Despite Olsen's botched handiwork, Mike was still able to balance on a perch and walk clumsily; he even attempted to preen and crow, although he could do neither. After the bird did not die, a surprised Mr. Olsen decided to continue to care permanently for Mike, feeding him a mixture of milk and water via an eyedropper; he was also fed small grains of corn. Mike occasionally choked on his own mucus, which the Olsen family would clear using a syringe.
When used to his new and unusual center of mass Mike could easily get himself to the highest perches without falling. His crowing, though, was less impressive and consisted of a gurgling sound made in his throat, leaving him unable to crow at dawn. Mike also spent his time preening and attempting to peck for food with his neck.
In March 1947, at a motel in Phoenix on a stopover while traveling back home from tour, Mike started choking in the middle of the night. As the Olsens had inadvertently left their feeding and cleaning syringes at the sideshow the day before, they were unable to save Mike. Lloyd Olsen claimed that he had sold the bird off, resulting in stories of Mike still touring the country as late as 1949.
Some T-Shirts you wouldn't want your daughter's new boyfriend to be wearing when you meet him. ps. Has anyone ever heard of "The Shocker"?
I guess you'd call this something like Geek Hop. Quite brilliant.
No other country in the world switches on so many kettles in such short a time. Makes you proud, doesn't it? (wipes tear from eye)
JOHOR BARU, MALAYSIA - The welder who was hospitalised after he used a nut to elongate his penis was finally put out of his misery when doctors removed the offending spare part.
It is learnt that staff from the Hospital Sultanah Aminah drained out some of the blood and cut away some skin on the upper layer of his organ to remove the nut.
The 20-something welder was trying to increase the length of his penis ahead of his engagement next week by weighing himself down with the nut when the nut got stuck following an erection.
Director Dr Daud Abdul Rahim said doctors got the nut off at around 11pm on Friday.
"The patient is now recovering and we hope to discharge him today," he said.
Dr Daud declined to say whether the patient would suffer any long-term injuries.
The welder, who works in Singapore, but is from Taman Sri Skudai, sought treatment at the hospital on Thursday afternoon after he was unable to get the nut off himself.
Both hospital authorities and the state Fire and Rescue Department were involved in attempts to remove the nut.
This is the second case in the past week involving objects stuck on penises.
On Aug 25, firemen were summoned to the Universiti Malaya Medical Centre in Kuala Lumpur to cut a steel ring from a patient?s penis after numerous attempts by doctors failed to dislodge it.
It is believed the patient, in his 20s, had slipped the ring onto his penis to increase his sexual prowess.