THE LAST TURKEY

Without this car, we wouldn't have had the most successful film of 1985.

I suspect this will not be of great interest to many of you, but you never know...

I have stumbled across a new website that is a effectively a database of lectures from the top university lecturers in the US. Boffins from Harvard to Yale, Princeton and MIT. The site in its early days and no doubt will grow to a pretty impressive library. Subject range from politics and economic to computer science and medicine.

So if you wonder why we are in this economic mess and what we should do to sort it out, want to learn a little game theory, want some career advice or want to have a quick introduction to robotics (not the Peter Crouch variety, I don't think), then put your lab coats on and click on this link: http://academicearth.org/

It was about two and half years ago that I saw an advert in the Economist requesting scientists to verify a new energy technology, which was as far as I can tell was a Perpetual Motion Machine.

Steorn were predictably ridiculed by just about anyone with any credibility. Matters were only made worse when they put their device on public display only for it to fail spectacularly; in fact, that was pretty much the last I heard of them...

Only now Steorn are back! And they reckon that they can still create energy from thin air and that they will be make big bucks within twelve to eighteen months. It even seems a few scientists are saying positive things... time will tell and I am not holding my breath just yet, but it's all interesting stuff.

Check out there new video here and the press releases here for the full low down.

Unless Mr Eggman manages to guzzle a hell of a lot of eggs come the big day, this may well be the greatest thing involving Cadbury's Creme Eggs you will ever see...

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord ."

Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild.

The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit pissed off by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly pissed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass. You get up here and do it !"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mic and starts to sing " A jazz chord to say I ruv you ."

From Craiglist......

It's no surprise that a band with Tommy Lee has some good sex stories, but the craziest of the Crue's sexual exploits probably revolves around a contest Lee had with bassist Nikki Sixx. The two decided to see who could go longer without showering or bathing and still be able to sleep with groupies. The challenge wound up lasting for two (disgusting) months, ending when a groupie was so disgusted that she vomited up spaghetti while attempting to perform oral sex on Sixx.

An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted for
evening performances'.

'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs s*it middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman. The barman however
obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition.....w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister but I
just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind...'

'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called "Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get cr*p on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?'

'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your r*ngpiece", or
there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs".

'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'fuck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. 'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your c*ck is hanging
out of your trousers, and sp*nk is dribbling onto your shoes?'

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'

I have created a sweepstake for the creme egg challenge.

Pick the number of eggs you think this loon will eat before he throws up, quits or completes the challenge and you win... nothing, but pride.

Only one person per number (first come/pick basis).

Good luck everyone!!

http://www.doodle.com/tn2mqi6pkcqauwxr

So, the Creme Egg Challenge sounds almost impossible to any sane mind. But I have done a bit of research to break down just how ridiculous this challenge is...

• A Cadbury's creme egg contains 170 calories. The daily recommended calories intake for an adult male is 2000. This means that 60 eggs in 60 minutes is the equivalent of taking in five days worth the the daily recommended calorie intake in just one hour.
• A Cadbury's creme egg contains 6g of fat. The daily recommended fat intake is 70g. So once again, this challenge will mean eating 5 days worth of fat intake in just one hour.
• This brave man will be taking in 1680 grammes of carbohydrates in those painful sixty minutes. That is over five and half times the daily recommended intake - yes, in one hour.
• Hell, this guy will even be exceeding his recommended daily intake of protein in just one hour through simply eating creme eggs! In fact, he won't be just exceeding it, he will be having the recommended allowance for two and half days in just one hour. From creme eggs!

• 60 pints of Guinness OR
  
• 185 measures of Gin OR
  
• 117 glasses of wine OR
  
• 73 Doughnuts OR
  
• 221 Jaffa Cakes OR
  
• 143 Shredded Wheats OR
  
• 23 Kebabs OR
  
• 352 cups of tea OR
  
• 21 Big Macs OR
  
• 131 servings of McDonald's chips OR
  
• 1457 strawberries OR
  
• 28 Chicken Bhunas OR
  
• 38 Naan breads OR
  
• 5100 sticks of celery

MARCH 18--Meet Michelle Owen. Concerned that an ex-boyfriend had used her laptop to search for child pornography, the Indiana woman asked police to search the computer for illegal images, but had her plan backfire when cops discovered two videos of her engaged in illicit acts with a dog. Owen, 24, was charged last week with two felony bestiality counts in connection with the video files, which a detective found in the laptop's "recycle bin." At the time Owen asked cops to search the computer, she was locked up in the Johnson County Jail on a public intoxication charge (which violated the terms of her release in a prior drunk driving case).

In two weeks time, mankind will be entering a new front tier, a new age that moves us on from the space age and past the digital age. Following in the footsteps of Cook, Cabot, Columbus, Armstrong, Berners-Lee and all the other great men and women who have taken giant leaps in order to take mankind to the next level, this nutcase is about to go where no man has been before.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you a feat so dangerous, so daring and so plainly mad that only someone of true courage, nobleness and stupidity would even be able to dream it up. Good people of planet Earth, mere mortals of the Universe, get ready for the Cream Egg Challenge.

The rules are simple: 60 eggs in 60 minutes. Streamed live.

And like all the greatest explorers, inventors, scientists and discoverers, I believe this chap is a Brit. So puff out your chest, raise a toast to the Queen and wish this great man the best of luck and hold on tight as we enter a new and exciting age.

Kobayashi has nothing on this guy. Makes you proud to be British.

When you phone 999 (or 911 if you are in the States, as the people in the clips below are) you hope that the person on the end of the line is there to help, even if you are a bit panicky and the odd profanity falls out of you mouth.

Well, I hope I never get these operators if I call for an ambulance or the police - especially if a family member is dying next to me on the floor...



Or perhaps you are being beaten and your kids being threatened and you secretly call 911 while this is going on in the hope they will trace your number and send help, would you want this numskull helping you out?



You can view some others at this site, including the operator who offers to shoot a woman's out of control daughter...

I always find this a bit weird:

The Möbius strip is a surface with only one side and only one boundary. It was discovered independently by the German mathematicians August Ferdinand Möbius and Johann Benedict Listing in 1858.

The Möbius strip has several curious properties. A model of a Möbius strip can be constructed by joining the ends of a strip of paper with a single half-twist. A line drawn starting from the seam down the middle will meet back at the seam but at the "other side". If continued the line will meet the starting point and will be double the length of the original strip of paper. This single continuous curve demonstrates that the Möbius strip has only one boundary.

There is a 100 foot long limo running around the streets of sunny California and this motorized unit has more on-board amenities than the average mansion. What amenities are found on the 100 foot long super stretched limo? A Helicopter landing pad, Swimming pool with diving board, King size water bed and Satellite dish are just a few of the goodies found on the 26 wheeled 100 foot long limo designed by Jay Ohrberg of Burbank California.

SPOTTY teenager Sam Cummings has been nicknamed Craphead Slaphead because his acne spells out the word A-R-S-E. The unfortunate 16-year-old, from Berkshire, says he has suffered from the spotty skin condition for years and has always had to put up with remarks about his blemishes from cruel classmates. But things took a turn for the worse for the Titherton Secondary schoolboy when he woke up one morning this week and found his out of control zits had merged - and formed the word arse. He said: “I’ve always had bad skin and didn’t think things could get any worse, but obviously I was wrong.
“I was horrified when I walked into the bathroom the other day and looked in the mirror.
“I literally did a double-take when I noticed my spots formed a-r-s-e and I tried everything to get them off.” But sadly for Sam, his attempts to squeeze his spots into submission and cover them in his mum’s concealer were in vain. He added: “The kids at school have been ripping the piss out of me. It’s been hell and I can’t do anything about it.
“The keep calling me ‘Craphead Slaphead’ and shouting things when they see me in the corridor.
“The other day some of the bigger lads dragged me into the toilet and tried to flush my head down the shitter because they said that’s where an arse belongs.
“It’s really crap - and the fact that I’ll just have to wait for them to heal is a real bum deal.”

A sensible post for once...

If you live in London and struggle to find a reliable handyman, I can recommend these guys: Urbanmole.com. They list all sorts of labourers, each one recommended by people who've used them, so you don't get left with a cowboy. Looking around the website, it's a pretty handy resource if, like me, you're too lazy to look around the net for answers.

This guy redefines the phrase "car stereo". The base is so loud it moves your hair piece. Take a look here. Brilliant.

I am not much a fan of Comic Relief, so needless to say I didn't watch it last night. Though, I have seen one or two clips flying around t'internet which are actually rather funny, such as this one where Smithy walks in on the England football team...

Been watching Comic Relief and it reminded me of this superb French and Saunders sketch from years ago. Brilliant.

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the
airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed
it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you
like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about
nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.
But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow,
and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a
deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a
flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried
grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's
intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have
no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel
qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know
shit?

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport.
A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for,
thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto
'We love to fly and it shows'.

The woman looks at him blankly.
He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto
'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto
'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says
'What the fuck do you want?'

'Ah' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face.

'Ryanair!!'

When David Niven joined the army during the last war [World War II] he became involved in one of those tedious military exercises carried out as rehearsals for the real thing. On this occasion, the general commanding our side thought it would be a good idea to try out the merits of homing pigeons as message carriers and rashly selected Niven for the task. Accordingly he found himself ensconced comfortably enough in a pub well behind the 'enemy' lines, from which he was supposed to send back information about troop movements. However, as the hours slipped past, nothing whatever happened, and the pigeons cooed away happily in their baskets. Finally, feeling he must justify himself in some way, Niven encoded a message, attached it to a bird's leg, and released it.
Perhaps surprisingly, it duly arrived and everyone, including the general, clustered round the signals officer while he decoded the message. It read, 'I have been sent home for pissing in my basket.'

A man unable to perform sexually goes to a hypnotist.

He hypnotises the man and tells him, " When you say 1 2 3 you will get an erection for as long as you wish. When your girlfriend can take no more, she must say 1 2 3 4. But beware ! You will not have another erection for a year ".

The man rushes home and takes his girlfriend to bed and shouts, " 1 2 3 ", and he gets a huge erection.

His girlfriend then says, " Why the fuck did you just say 1 2 3 for ?".

Paddy and Murphy are on their lunch break

Murphy says "Paddy give me one of your sarnies"

Paddy passes one over, Murphy takes a bite and spits it straight out

Murphy says to Paddy what the fuck is that?

Paddy replies "Crab paste"

Murphy says "where the fuck did you get it from"?

Paddy says, "Boots the chemist"

I've never seen the full scene before.

Harry: "We're not going to let you leave"
Punk: "Who's we?"
Harry: "Smith, Wesson and me"

Great line.

How to stop a robbery before you finish a mouthful of hotdog.

This must be in the top 10 best set pieces of all time.

What's going on with the cat?

There's lots of clicking of joints. I can recommend a good osteopath.

Norris has serious hair (that is a fact, not an insult. I would not dare to insult Mr. Norris).

Q - What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?

A - Gagged.